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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I share a computer with my girlfriend and she's been downloading some questionable images. I discovered them last night while looking for a file I'd misplaced. Hidden deep within her files, and disguised as something innocuous, I found 136 images of various zombies and ghouls engaged in what can only be described as feeding frenzies, and she had a list of links to the webpages that posted the offending photos. We are not members of your union, Ghoulfriend, and I'm at a loss to explain why she would find these images compelling. They are disgusting. She considers herself a Goth and she tends to be a little obsessed with death, but this is over the top as far as I'm concerned. Please tell me how to handle this.
-Kyle
Dear Kyle,
Ah, your girlfriend must have seen our picnic photos! I suppose that most mortal humans would find those
images disturbing, but I can assure you that all of the people eaten that day deserved it in one way or another.
We don't grab total strangers off the streets, as many would have you believe. When choosing "food" for our
events, we follow very strict criteria, and each course must fall into one of the following categories. Let's
look at each of these, shall we?
Self Defense: I'm sure no one -- not even you -- would begrudge us the right to defend ourselves against those who would do us harm. We are constantly confronted with gun-toting lunatics who have watched one too many bad movies and threaten our way of "life." We cannot reasonably be expected to turn the collective "other cheek." These people are usually appetizers.
Mercy Killing: Let's face it: there are a lot of very ugly humans in the world. Many of them are "overly meaty" according to human societal standards and are embarrassed to be alive. As a result they do not take advantage of everything life has to offer, and they exist in a perpetual state of depression and anxiety. We are merely doing them a favor. They are typically the first course.
Social Work a. k. a. Suicide by Zombie: Many terminally ill, depressed or bored humans don't want their families to have to deal with the guilt and inconsolable grief their suicides will inevitably bring. Additionally, most life insurance policies will not pay if the cause of death is suicide, and the policy holders contract with us to finish them off as painlessly as possible. Their selflessness makes them worthy of entree status.
Law Enforcement: The streets are crawling with criminals, making "life" a risky proposition for the living and living dead alike. We like to think we make the world a safer place for everyone. Criminals make wonderfully rich desserts.
Vendetta: If someone has insulted you or your cousin Vito we will make things right. Vengeance is our specialty and there's no danger of a hunter or hiker ever discovering a shallow grave. We grind their bones and organs into paste and spread them on crackers for aprés dinner snacks.
Public Service: This may seem a bit subjective, but everyone knows someone who irritates them for reasons only they can appreciate, or for no apparent reason at all, and we respect those sensibilities. These annoyances make terrific raw material for craft projects and they are raffled off at the closing ceremonies of every League picnic.
Perhaps now that you know the care and planning that goes into every one of our little soirées,
you won't judge us so harshly and you won't think ill of your lady-love who clearly appreciates the fine work we do.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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