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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I love buffalo wings, but I recently acquired a fresh corpse and thought I'd try out the joy of human meat this time around. Since humans do not have wings, what should I throw in the rotisserie and slap some Red Hot on? Also, should I shave him (I think his name was Carl), or let the hair burn off during the cooking process? I'm really hungry now.
Thanks,
-La Fawnda
Dear La Fawnda,
Your first corpse! I could weep with joy! What are you planning to wear? You know, we run a trendy boutique where you can pick up the appropriate attire for a "First-corpse" cookout. Give it some thought; there will never be another "first", so make this one special!
This is best done outside, unless you have an enormous oven. Crematoria work nicely as long as you have the ability to regulate the heat on the burners. Otherwise your meal will be incinerated beyond recognition. I've been to "First-corpse" parties where the meal was severely over-done and it really put a damper on the festivities.
Ears, fingers and toes should be removed immediately and cooked separately (and yes, they are wonderful with Red Hot!). Limbs should be wrapped in heavy-duty aluminum foil for the first 6 hours of roasting and then unwrapped. The meal is done when the skin begins to bubble. There's no need to remove the hair unless Carl was particularly hirsute; it will burn off. Average male corpses require about 8.5 hours of cooking at 300 degrees. You'll want the meat to cool a bit before digging in, so the juices have time to reinfuse the tissues. Done properly, the meat should just fall off the bones.
I wish I could be there for your big day, but as that's impossible, please let me know where you're registered so I can send a gift. First-corpse days always make me cry.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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