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Dear Ghoulfriend,
My neighborhood satanic cult is preparing for its May Day bar-b-q/sacrifice. Usually we eat a deconsecrated chicken, but my girlfriend's getting an abortion next week, so I thought, 'hey, free baby for satan.' Do you think she'd be upset if I suggested this? What would be the best way to bring it up? Should I get a white wine or a red?
Thanks,
-Chickening out in Chattanooga
Dear Chickening,
Although zombies aren't Satanists, I do know a little about such "cults." I've always suspected they were no more than fronts for impotent losers who only wear black because it is "slimming." From what I hear, Satanic cults usually prefer live sacrifices and I don't think the offal from your girlfriend's procedure will qualify as "living." A true sacrifice is to forfeit something that is highly valued. Otherwise, it's just like giving away old clothes that you no longer fit into. That's not a sacrifice; it's just a shabby donation. If you want to make a real splash at your cult's celebration, construct a large wicker cage around yourself and set it ablaze. If you want to be even more generous, you can provide the wine for the occasion; that should be a May Wine, traditionally made with Riesling and Sweet Woodruff leaves. You can make that at home the night before your demise. See you in Hell, dear!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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