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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Ah, Ghoulfriend! Giver of good advice to the living dead, and such a looker!
Your advice to me on the Chocolate-covered Barista™ (quite a while back) worked wonderfully--and repeatedly! AND, I'm getting the flavor of coffee without its destructive acidic effects! Thank you again! I would have written sooner, but my fingers just aren't what they used to be--or where they used to be, for that matter...
My question for you is with regard to a new idea I've had for a living dead olympic tournament. With all the pursuit of the living we do, some of us must be fairly incredible athletes! Do you have some suggestions for particular olympic-style races/competitions we could use, or is there already an organized event like this that I'm unaware of?
Looking forward to the next Olympic Buffet,
-Buzz
Dear Buzz,
It's nice to hear that my readers actually follow my advice, and even nicer to hear that it works for them!
The League of the Living Dead has always sponsored athletic events that run concurrently with the Olympics, but
as you might expect, they never get much coverage in the mainstream media. The summer competitions are fun to watch,
but in my opinion, the winter games are far more thrilling.
Four exciting blood-sports will be presented, and as always, they'll be carried exclusively on ZNN. There's
still time to sign up if you'd like to participate! Living Dead Entities from all over the globe will compete in
these electrifying events:
Biathlon: This combines the grueling sport of cross-country skiing on cadavers with rifle marksmanship, using Dennis Hopper look-alikes as targets. Big Daddy is the favored contender thus far.
Curling: Played on a field of ice, contestants slide their own nonessential body parts toward a target. Much like Bocce, but with fewer Italians. Beware: This gets messy; thank God for the Zamboni®!
Ice Hockey: A tough sport no matter how it's played, but instead of the customary puck and sticks, our teams play with a cirrhotic liver and femurs. It's quite challenging, but oodles of fun to watch! The winning team traditionally eats the losing goalie.
Corpse-Luge is a hollowed-out cadaver in which the athlete lies prone and head first. Steering is achieved by holding onto the rib cage and leaning into turns. These slippery stiffs reach unbelievable speeds and gruesome crashes are inevitable, especially on the tricky, banked curves. Fun for the whole family!
Buzz, I'll look forward to meeting you at the buffet. Perhaps we can share a Chocolate-covered Barista™
for two. *wink*
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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