Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Sadistic Soirées

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I met this guy from The Congo who wants me to be his queen. He wants to bring his drums over to my apartment to play and dance for me and he informed me that his goal was to make me scream with pleasure. Is there a traditional drum beat or a dance ritual I can perform to get this guy packing and back on a flight to Africa? Or should I just eat him and call it a day? Dating can be such a hassle.
-Queen for a Day


Dear QfaD,
I've heard some interesting drum beats in my time, but none made me "scream with pleasure." He must be quite a drummer to elicit such a response from an audience.

Living or dead, drummers can be problematic. Many of them have enormously inflated egos, and it sounds like this one is no exception. You know, of course, that he regards you as just another notch on his drum stick. As luck would have it, there is a ritual you can perform that will get him out of your hair and provide for a tasty feast after he's gone. You'll need an altar, candles, herbs, food and drink, and a large, cantankerous, percussion-hating monkey -- caged until just the right moment.

With the object of your loathing present, light the candles on your altar; tell him that you want to give thanks to the spirits for bringing him into your life. Ask him to beat his drum and dance, as an offering to the spirits. Ply him with exotic, highly-seasoned foods and strong alcoholic beverages* (please see recipe for my favorite summertime-ritual libation, the "Zombie," below). Have him drum and dance again and make him another Zombie. After several repetitions of drumming, dancing and drinking, he should be feeling sufficiently disoriented, woozy and weak. Now's the time to free the pissed-off monkey. Of course, you won't be in any danger, having previously applied "Monk-Off!™" Scary Monkey Repellant and Room Freshener. It won't be pretty, but let the monkey have his way with your drummer. By the time he's finished, there should be little remaining of your Congolese king. What is left can be grilled right away or stored in Baggies and frozen for a later date.

I foresee a long, passion-filled future for you and your monkey.
Love,
Ghoulfriend

*There are myriad versions of this drink, but this is my favorite, pilfered (and slightly modified) from DigitalBartender.com.

Blend all ingredients and 1/2 cup crushed ice at low speed for 2 minutes. Strain into a frosted glass. Top with a long slice of banana (for the monkey) and a cherry. Carefully float 151-proof rum on top. Add a sprig of fresh mint dipped in powdered sugar.


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Sadistic Soirées

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I met this guy from The Congo who wants me to be his queen. He wants to bring his drums over to my apartment to play and dance for me and he informed me that his goal was to make me scream with pleasure. Is there a traditional drum beat or a dance ritual I can perform to get this guy packing and back on a flight to Africa? Or should I just eat him and call it a day? Dating can be such a hassle.
-Queen for a Day


Dear QfaD,
I've heard some interesting drum beats in my time, but none made me "scream with pleasure." He must be quite a drummer to elicit such a response from an audience.

Living or dead, drummers can be problematic. Many of them have enormously inflated egos, and it sounds like this one is no exception. You know, of course, that he regards you as just another notch on his drum stick. As luck would have it, there is a ritual you can perform that will get him out of your hair and provide for a tasty feast after he's gone. You'll need an altar, candles, herbs, food and drink, and a large, cantankerous, percussion-hating monkey -- caged until just the right moment.

With the object of your loathing present, light the candles on your altar; tell him that you want to give thanks to the spirits for bringing him into your life. Ask him to beat his drum and dance, as an offering to the spirits. Ply him with exotic, highly-seasoned foods and strong alcoholic beverages* (please see recipe for my favorite summertime-ritual libation, the "Zombie," below). Have him drum and dance again and make him another Zombie. After several repetitions of drumming, dancing and drinking, he should be feeling sufficiently disoriented, woozy and weak. Now's the time to free the pissed-off monkey. Of course, you won't be in any danger, having previously applied "Monk-Off!™" Scary Monkey Repellant and Room Freshener. It won't be pretty, but let the monkey have his way with your drummer. By the time he's finished, there should be little remaining of your Congolese king. What is left can be grilled right away or stored in Baggies and frozen for a later date.

I foresee a long, passion-filled future for you and your monkey.
Love,
Ghoulfriend

*There are myriad versions of this drink, but this is my favorite, pilfered (and slightly modified) from DigitalBartender.com.

Blend all ingredients and 1/2 cup crushed ice at low speed for 2 minutes. Strain into a frosted glass. Top with a long slice of banana (for the monkey) and a cherry. Carefully float 151-proof rum on top. Add a sprig of fresh mint dipped in powdered sugar.


More Sadistic Soirées

Return to the Table of Contents