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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
There are some really hot construction workers on my street this week and I want to make a meal of one of them. How should I go about it? Is it rude to whistle and make obscene noises and gestures at them or do they like that? Should I offer them something cold to drink?
-Iced Tease
Dear I. T.,
You're very lucky to have attractive construction workers around. I recently had to endure the noise, dust and extreme inconvenience of torn up streets and sidewalks for gas line replacement. One would think the men shoveling gravel and operating jackhammers would be fit and toned, but not one of them weighed under 300 pounds. I briefly entertained the idea of abducting one for my annual "Long Pork Luau," but what's the point? Once cooked, he'd have shriveled away to nothing and the fire pit would have been an oil slick. A little marbling is nice for moisture and flavor, but come on...
Construction workers are tasty in more ways than one, but you'll have to be coy and very alluring if you want to snare one for yourself. Cover any rips or tears in your flesh with mortician's wax and apply a bronzer anywhere your skin will be exposed. Throw on some Daisy Dukes, a revealing halter top and sunglasses and commence strutting around your yard. After the wolf whistles die down, invite one of the guys over for a cool drink and some witty banter (don't make it too witty, though; remember, he's a construction worker). Whatever you do, don't let him get too close to you; in the heat and humidity, even the strongest perfumes and insecticides can't completely disguise the aroma of decomposition, and it wouldn't be wise to alert him to your true nature at this point. You might want to mention that you've just had mushroom manure applied to your lawn.
Once you have him eating out of your hand, it's time to turn the tables. Be honest. Tell him you'd love to have him for dinner and ask him to bring along a nice shiraz (it's so convenient when "the food" provides its own marinade). An average, well-muscled man should serve you and seven of your friends, with leftovers to spare. Bon apetit!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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