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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I just found out that my "best friend" of many years has been hitting on my boyfriend. How should I handle this?
-Betrayed
Dear Betrayed,
Few things are more painful than the realization that your friends are not what they seem and that your sacred trust has been betrayed. My advice to you is first to acknowledge that she is not your "best friend" and then to recognize that retaliation is not merely an option: it is mandatory. If you've ever heard the phrase, "Success is the best revenge", don't believe it; that's for sissies and losers. I believe that "Impaling your friend on a sharp stick is the best revenge!"
As luck would have it The League of the Living Dead, in collaboration S.U.C.S., operates a fully accredited institution of higher learning through which core subjects and personal enrichment classes are taught. Our emphasis is on academic rigor and achievement. We provide a supportive environment in which our students' needs and goals are valued. We encourage our students to explore and fulfill their unique potential as Living Dead Entities to insure success in their personal and professional lives. Our graduates are the finest and best-prepared of their kind in the world. We also work closely with various underworld organizations in arranging internships for our students to gain experience in the practical application of their craft.
Many classes in Revenge Tactics (our most popular major!) are available and we also offer short-term revenge-themed workshops and seminars. Your choice will depend upon your time, budget and level of commitment. I suggest you begin with our popular "RT101-Payback's a Bitch." This 9-week practicum introduces the core principles and basic techniques of the fine art of vengeance. I expect you'll enjoy it so much you'll choose to enroll full-time and major in this area. I have arranged my schedule to teach this class every fall, winter and spring term and I can truly say that nothing makes me happier than the smiles on my students' faces when they've successfully completed their first exam!
We will send you our full-color course catalog, but in the meantime, do not tell your friend that you know what she's been up to. It's best to lull these duplicitous creatures into a false sense of security, and yes, superiority, before initiating your well-deserved offensive.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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