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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I am currently enrolled in the graduate program at the idyllic Flint S.U.C.S. campus for Viscoelasticity of the Living Dead. I chose S.U.C.S. because of its excellent reputation in the sciences and cosmetology, and the state of the art facilities. I am the only mortal human in any of my classes; all the rest of the students are either Living Dead Entities, Extraterrestrials or a disturbing combination of the two. Even my favorite instructor, Professor Baldwin (he prefers to be called "Master J."), is a zombie. My question is this: Is my life in danger rubbing elbows with creatures who would normally want to eat or probe me? Don't get me wrong, I like many of my classmates, but sometimes they look at me with longing expressions. It makes me a little nervous. Any help you could give me on getting along and getting out in one piece would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.
-Roy
Flint, MI
Dear Roy,
I'm a bit perplexed as to why you, a mortal human, would be interested in the elasticity of the Living Dead. Do you have plans of which we should be aware? Far too many of your kind have attempted (in vain) to use our vast knowledge against us, and I fear that you may be of that ilk. As you undoubtedly know, experimental miscible polymer blends have been tested as facial prostheses in the human population with disastrous results: Witness the Michael Jackson nose debacle. This cutting-edge technology is only suitable for those of us who have very low body temperatures. One former S.U.C.S. student erroneously believed he could use tissue from League members to construct facial appliances for mortal humans with degenerative skin diseases such as necrotizing fasciitis and gangrene. His plan was thwarted, however, and he was impaled and roasted at our annual picnic last June. Rest assured that I will speak with Master J. about you and ask him to keep a watchful eye on your activities.
I probably can't help you much with your extreme LDE angst, but I can tell you that most Living Dead Entities in professional or academic situations will not endanger their human counterparts while at work or school; it's considered bad form. I cannot speak for the ETs, of course, because they are not bound by our union contract. My advice: Watch your back.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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