Ghoulnextdoor.com
The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
This is my first time to your site and unfortunately, I was able to answer 'yes' to just about all of the introductory questions presented.
Any specific suggestions for the boss that I hate? Sure would appreciate hearing from you as it just might help make it easier to wake up in the morning.
--Pissed off in Pittsburgh
Dear Pissy,
I realize that I'm truly blessed to be spared the indignity of daily interaction with the micro-managing, soul-sucking fiend known as "the boss". I get so much mail about these aberrant creatures it would make your head spin. Hunting unwilling prey, risking the potentially career-ending "head-shot" and occasionally eating maggot-riddled flesh is far more appealing to me than the demoralizing drudgery of compliance with an incompetent mortal being who wouldn't know talent or a good employee if she bit him on the ass. And perhaps that's precisely what you should do. Come over to our side. I would be delighted to personally assist in your transformation. When you no longer feel morally encumbered by the Ten Commandments™, you can guiltlessly do away with this villain, (is he or she particularly "meaty"?) and have a celebratory feast with your new colleagues in honor of your permanent liberation from the tyrannical demon-boss (and from the greater enslavement of a capitalist society - but I will reserve THAT rant for another column). In this case, I would recommend eating the brain along with everything else. Typically, the brain of "the boss" is not worthy of reanimation. Most of us, newbies especially, can't stomach the idea of ingesting that brain, and if that is the case, please dispose of it by fire.
If you feel at all squeamish about accepting membership in our league, there is another option open to you, albeit rather unoriginal, though one can have great fun with it. Seriously consider "offing" your boss (poison works well, but I tend to prefer hand-tools) and leaving the corpse on the out-skirts of town. While we don't particularly prefer carrion, we will eat it if live food is in short supply and besides, it's a real treat to have a snack that you don't have to work for. My colleagues will love you for it, and you'll also be contributing to the well being of your co-workers and the good of your organization.
It's always best to lull your prey into a false sense of security. Always approach the boss in his or her own office. Bosses tend to feel invincible in their own surroundings and happily, it also affords the assassin some measure of privacy. Once inside the lair of this brute (or brutess?), do as you wish; any manner of execution will be appropriate - though slow torture is always preferred - humiliation, pain and fear season the meat somehow, and it is dee-lish! A pencil in the eye would be a lovely way to kick-off the festivities. Strangulation with a phone cord is also nice - and don't forget to cut out the tongue with scissors! Just be careful to fully disable the brain before transporting the body. We wouldn't want it reanimating in the trunk of your car, now would we?
Once rid of your tormentor, your mornings should be cheery and bright. Enjoy another cup of coffee before hitting the road; there won't be anyone around anymore to dock your pay if you're a shade tardy! Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
More of The Boss: It's What's For Dinner!
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