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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
Would you ever consider having a President for dinner?
-G. W.
Washington, DC
Dear G. W.,
Now, you know exactly what would happen if I had a President for dinner. The Secret Service would surround my compound and I'd never make it out "alive". Granted, the meal would be interesting, but far from the best I've ever had (we zombies do have standards, you know), and it's simply not worth my time and trouble, not to mention the risk of such an endeavor.
Now, I have to tell you, you really must stop writing to me every other day with your problems. I know that I'm supposed to counsel anyone who writes to me, but you have a staff of highly paid advisers working for you. I don't know why you'd want advice from me! While it's true that you'd be better off taking the advice of a zombie than that you've been getting elsewhere, you really should have thought of that in 2000. However, I do have some recommendations for you, but this is absolutely the last time I'll even open your mail.
You'll need to ditch your cabinet members and replace them with the characters from "House of 1000 Corpses." Captain Spaulding can double as your Vice President and your speech writer - he's quite eloquent when he gets fired up, and he won't hide out for months afterwards if we're attacked. He's also fluent in the language favored by your current V.P. on the floor of the Senate, so he can step right into the job. Otis can be your Secretary of Defense because it's always handy to have an outspoken lunatic in charge of such things, and Baby can be your Attorney General. The American people will find the erosion of their rights much more palatable coming from someone pretty, don't you agree? Anyway, it's a quick fix, but I'm sure you'll enjoy their company, at least until they get bored with you. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
More of The Boss: It's What's For Dinner!
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