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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I wrecked my car and I don't have insurance. The woman I smashed into is suing me and I don't have any money. Any idea how I can get out of this?
-B. J.
Dear B. J.,
I have the solution to your problem, and it doesn't involve anyone's demise. I realize that it's rare that I don't advocate death and/or dismemberment as a remedy for the world's problems, but I have just returned from a blissful weekend at the "World of Pigeons" where their perpetual cooing soothed my soul and reenergized my muse. I have come to the inescapable conclusion that the world would be a happier and less litigious place if we all behaved as pigeons.
Pigeons are raised in cooperative societies in which each member of the flock is valued equally. Ownership of cars, homes, computers and recreational devices is shared, thereby eliminating egomaniacal urges and messy lawsuits. If one pigeon wrecks the communal automobile, the burden of repair or replacement is selflessly borne by the whole flock.
I don't know what your financial situation is, but I recommend that you treat the woman to the deluxe vacation package at the World of Pigeons. After spending a week in the company of these socially and culturally evolved creatures, she will drop the lawsuit against you and buy you a new car.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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