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Hi Spiffy--
This may sound a little weird. My Talking Poodle-Ass™ has sprouted fangs and chases me around my house. This happened a couple of other times, roughly once a month by my count. Is there such a thing as a Were-Ass? I may have adopted one of those by mistake. What should I do? I am stranded on top of my refrigerator with nothing but saltines, half a can of Spam and my laptop. I can't even reach the beer. This sucks! Help!
-Thirsty Pete from Reno
Dear Thirsty Pete,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!™,
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear Thirsty Pete,
Talking Were-Asses are very rare! Many dog groomers unfamiliar with the breed give them poodle-cuts, hence the case of mistaken identity. This breed enjoys a long, noble history that you won't find in any books.
In 1386, Natasha and Radu, a breeding pair of Talking Poodle-Asses, were given as a gift to King Mircea cel Batrin of Wallachia. While playing in the yard of the castle one day, Natasha and Radu sniffed some werewolf spoor and became infected with the were-virus (for which there is still no cure). Every full moon thereafter, Natasha and Radu went on bloody rampages through the countryside, wantonly killing invading Turks. For many years, it was these creatures alone who repelled the Turkish forces.
Despite the presence of were-virus in their blood, or, perhaps, because of it, Natasha and Radu were blessed with longevity, and they enjoyed many years in the castle with various rulers. In 1456 Vlad Tepes took the throne and fell in love with his new, four-legged companions. He doted on Natasha and Radu like they were his own children. One day, however, as Vlad was fixing himself an omelet, he stepped on Radu's toe. Radu was an ornery little cur and he bit Vlad on the calf. Vlad apologized profusely and gave Radu some treats, but the damage was done: the were-virus was already coursing through Vlad's veins. As you may already have guessed, Vlad changed with the next full moon and happily ran through the mountains, killing and maiming hapless villagers, with his Talking Were-Asses by his side. One night, Vlad became separated from Natasha and Radu, and he went into town to search for them. On a lonely, darkened street, he met an attractive vampire named LaQueesha, who invited him to a League of the Living Dead meeting. Now technically, Werewolves and Were-Asses are not Living Dead Entities, but because of their need to kill humans for food and giggles, they are granted membership on a nominal basis. LaQueesha liked the hirsute Vlad and she wanted to be with him forever, so she bit him and turned him into a Were-Vampire-Ass-Wolf. Now he enjoys the immortality of Vampirism and the full-moon killing sprees of a Werewolf! He then kindly bestowed immortality on his faithful companions Natasha and Radu, and they are still by his side today. They are currently lobbying the AKC for recognition of their breed, and, if all goes well, may be seen at the next Westminster Dog Show.
As for your dilemma, just wait until the full moon fades and then you can get off the fridge. You'll want to lay in a good supply of snacks and beverages for next month, though, so you're not caught off-guard again. Keep your eye on the calendar and the top of the fridge clear!
-Spiffy
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