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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I live in a triplex with a small apartment on my left and a large apartment right above me. A werewolf lives in the apartment next door. The apartment upstairs is occupied by a guy who looks like Graf Orlok. He gives me the creeps. He washes dishes at a greasy spoon downtown and stays up all night making a lot of weird, grunting sounds. Should I move out, try to make friends with them, or just ignore them?
-Laurie
Dear Laurie,
You're really very fortunate to live next door to a werewolf, and as long as you steer clear of him during full moons, he won't harm you. Most of the time werewolves are friendly, loyal creatures and you'll find it easy to cultivate a lasting relationship with your neighbor. Deliver a basket of kibble, Milk Bones, chew toys and a flea collar, or send a generous gift certificate from a reputable pet store. Upon your first encounter with him, instead of shaking hands, scratch him behind his ears. You will have a friend for life. Werewolves enjoy romping in the park and playing Frisbee, so set aside some time each week for these activities.
Your nocturnal neighbor upstairs sounds dangerous, however. Despite his physical similarity to Graf Orlok, I'm sure he's not a vampire; they don't do dishes. He's probably just a garden variety serial killer and you won't require any supernatural means to dispatch him, which you must do before he buries you in a shallow grave with your underwear wrapped around your neck. Your new lycanthropic pal may be willing to help with this task during the next full moon. Apprise him of the situation, point him toward the stairs as the moon begins to rise, and beat a hasty retreat into your home. By morning, the apartment upstairs will be vacant and Wolfie will have a full belly for you to rub. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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