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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Hi Ghoulfriend,
This question is actually for Spiffy. I'm hoping she can clear something up for me. You see I'm a lycanthrope. Yeah that's right a good old fashioned bay-at-the-moon, mouthful-of-fangs, human-devouring, werewolf. Now my question, Spiffy, is why is it that canines are always siding with humans. I mean you even see it in the movies these days. What is with all the hate? I'll give you an example. A couple of weeks ago I'm at this cattle ranch looking for some "fast" food. Now the cattle are getting a little uppity because I'm getting ready to toss a little A1 on a heifer but the guy who owns the ranch decides to check out all the commotion... with his 12 gauge shotgun. Yeah, only silver does the trick but a blast from one of those cannons will remind you you're wearing fur, not Kevlar. It's foggy out, so I sneak up behind him and just as I'm about to add a side order to go with the evening's main course..."bark". That's right he didn't come alone. His dog tipped him off and I was picking buckshot out of my ass for two days after. What's wrong with you guys? We're on the same team! The humans are the oppressors trying to keep that leash nice and tight. Maybe you can explain the "mans best friend" thing to the shape shifting community; we're all real curious for the answer.
-AW
Dear AW,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!™,
Grrrrr woooowa-wah-weef, rrowwph!
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear AW,
I realize that you probably don't require a translation for my message, but in the interest of inclusion of ignorant humans, I will respond in English.
I am loathe to admit this, but some members of my species are whores and they'll sell themselves for a cursory scratch behind the ears and a cup of cut-rate cereal. Of course, this behavior invariably springs from a lack of self esteem. The dog you met is obviously a victim of systematic abuse and persecution and we must attempt to reprogram him. He has been stripped of his basic instincts and indoctrinated in human "values" (as if they had any).
I have been working closely with the Board of Directors of The League of the Living Dead in the task of crafting a manifesto on behalf of all canine creatures. Of course, this would include Werewolves and Talking Poodle Asses, as well. I would ultimately like to force a work-stoppage within the canine community. Until the human population recognizes that we are entitled to make our own choices with regard to job descriptions, we should not fetch their slippers or chase away potential predators. Let the ranchers guard their own cattle and sheep; we should never be expected to turn on our own kind.
AW, I am a bit perplexed about why you'd go after cattle in the first place. Wouldn't a human meal be more satisfying? Do you need reprogramming, too? Please refrain from preying on our furred and feathered brothers and sisters in the future. They are every bit as enslaved as we are.
Yours in solidarity,
Spiffy
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