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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Wildlife

Dear Ghoulfriend,
My Shih Tzu crawled under the bed yesterday and never came back out. I looked under the bed but he wasn't there! I don't know where he went but he's nowhere in the house. I have searched high and low for him and he has vanished. Where could he be?
-Grieving in Galveston

Dear G.i.G.,
Although technically this IS a pet-related question, I don't think this quite falls under Spiffy's purview. I would feel more comfortable answering this myself. What kind of flooring do you have under your bed, G.i.G.?
Love,
Ghoulfriend

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have oak flooring and an oriental rug over that. Why? I don't understand how that has any bearing on finding my little General Tso! Help me, Ghoulfriend!
-Grieving in Galveston


Dear G.i.G.,
Don't panic, but it's painfully obvious what has happened here. The Monster under your bed has abducted your dog and undoubtedly intends to have him for lunch (they LOVE Chinese food). Do not call the police; they will only laugh at you and you'll end up as a really bleak episode on COPS. Here's what you need to do: Go to your basement and get a 20 lb. sledgehammer; you will need to break a hole in the floor under your bed. Monsters have secret and invisible portals through which they travel, but if you break up the floor-boards, you will gain access to the Monster-realm. Once you have located said Monster (and you will), hit him over the head with the sledgehammer. Chances are he's already eaten your dog, but you won't be bothered by that particular monster anymore! :o) Your municipality may have bulk pick-up rules regarding trash, but I'd put the Monster out at the curb with the regular refuse. Around here, they'll take just about anything as long as it's properly bundled. Depending on the Monster's height, you may have to saw him in half and tie him with twine. As for repairing the damage under your bed, go to one of the home improvement super-stores and ask the professionals there about mending your ravaged flooring. If your floor is very old, the boards will probably not be a standard size and the replacements will require custom-milling. That can get a little spendy so check your home-owner's insurance policy for a Monster clause. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Wildlife

Dear Ghoulfriend,
My Shih Tzu crawled under the bed yesterday and never came back out. I looked under the bed but he wasn't there! I don't know where he went but he's nowhere in the house. I have searched high and low for him and he has vanished. Where could he be?
-Grieving in Galveston

Dear G.i.G.,
Although technically this IS a pet-related question, I don't think this quite falls under Spiffy's purview. I would feel more comfortable answering this myself. What kind of flooring do you have under your bed, G.i.G.?
Love,
Ghoulfriend

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have oak flooring and an oriental rug over that. Why? I don't understand how that has any bearing on finding my little General Tso! Help me, Ghoulfriend!
-Grieving in Galveston


Dear G.i.G.,
Don't panic, but it's painfully obvious what has happened here. The Monster under your bed has abducted your dog and undoubtedly intends to have him for lunch (they LOVE Chinese food). Do not call the police; they will only laugh at you and you'll end up as a really bleak episode on COPS. Here's what you need to do: Go to your basement and get a 20 lb. sledgehammer; you will need to break a hole in the floor under your bed. Monsters have secret and invisible portals through which they travel, but if you break up the floor-boards, you will gain access to the Monster-realm. Once you have located said Monster (and you will), hit him over the head with the sledgehammer. Chances are he's already eaten your dog, but you won't be bothered by that particular monster anymore! :o) Your municipality may have bulk pick-up rules regarding trash, but I'd put the Monster out at the curb with the regular refuse. Around here, they'll take just about anything as long as it's properly bundled. Depending on the Monster's height, you may have to saw him in half and tie him with twine. As for repairing the damage under your bed, go to one of the home improvement super-stores and ask the professionals there about mending your ravaged flooring. If your floor is very old, the boards will probably not be a standard size and the replacements will require custom-milling. That can get a little spendy so check your home-owner's insurance policy for a Monster clause. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend


More Wildlife

Return to the Table of Contents